What does Cancer do to friendships??? Having had Cancer, I can say that in my experience I felt it gave me a clear idea of who in my life is a friend and who is not. Who was there for me at my darkest hour and who ran for the hills. Who made effort to check in with me to make sure I was doing ok, to see if I needed anything, and to see if I was hmmm....alive. Most of my friends really went above and beyond with the phone calls, the visits, the prayers, etc. I have to say unfortunately there were some friends that I had that didn't really demonstrate any care or concern didn't make any effort to show that they were invested in our relationship. I hate to think it, but I even lost a few friends along the way.
Let me tell you about this one friend, she was my college roommate. We were randomly assigned to room together, and it couldn't have worked out better. A bond was formed that was just wonderful. Not only could we live together and tolerate each other in a tiny room, but we had fun, and laughed, and lived! Some of my best memories are from living with her. In the last seven years since college, we kind of drifted apart but still remained in touch. She does production work on movies and television, so she is literally bounced from one place to the next. I know that her schedule and lifestyle caused her to be kind of all over the place. And as a result, we didn't talk as much as in the past but would drop the occasional email or phone call. When I was diagnosed, I didn't run out and tell everyone. I didn't shout it out for the world to hear. Those I was close to knew obviously, but those I didn't have constant contact with found out little by little. This particular friend didn't find out right away but after she did, I felt that she didn't make much effort to keep informed on my progress. In fact, I really didn't hear from her much at all. And even though as I said, we weren't as tight as we were in college; it really hurt my feelings that at this time when I was having surgery, going to doctors left and right, going through chemo etc, that she couldn't make more of an effort then.
A few weeks ago, she began calling me, and emailing me. I didn't respond right away, and she began calling mutual friends to see if I was ok. Why didn't she just call me??? Was she afraid something terrible could have happen Ned and she didn't know about it because so much time had gone by? I finally wrote her a long email telling her basically that I was hurt by her lack of concern and effort and really didn't feel like placing an effort toward a relationship that wasn't much of a friendship. It wasn't a pleasant email to say the least. (Now, please note here that it was very hard for me to write that email, being that I am not a confrontational person by nature and the idea of writing someone off doesn't sit well with me - but I wanted to let her know how upset I was). Two weeks went by and I got no response. My fiancé was convinced I would never hear back from her, after being so rude. Each day I checked my email and thought "heh, I can't believe she is just letting this go without a response." I began to realize just how bothered I was by it all, and began to think that maybe I wasn't ready to terminate this friendship. Well, today, I got a response. She wrote me, and basically apologized BUT also made a point to remind me that she too had a lot going on in her life to justify her not being available. She also stated that she doesn't want to end our friendship and hopes that we can reconcile and get together to catch up.
One of the "pros of having experienced a bout with Cancer," you become a little more aware of how valuable time is and you don't want to waste it on just anyone. I have a much easier time now knowing who I want to spend my time with and deciding how I want to spend that time.
I still haven't decided if or when I am going to respond to this girl. I still don't know if she is someone who I want to devote time to. Someone who couldn't make time for me when I had Cancer is someone I may not want to make time for now that I don't. What to do? I think I'll sleep on it.
