Sometimes I feel like nobody can hear me. I tell people, (not many people - only the select few that I trust with my feelings) that I am scared about getting my blood work results back. I am scared that my counts will rise even the slightest, possibly indicating a recurrence. They're response is often "the results will be fine" or "you are worrying / getting yourself crazy for nothing" or "you have to think positively." Don't you hear me? I am telling you I am scared, can't you just let me be scared instead of trying to talk me out of it. I just want them to say "UM YEAH, you have a good reason to be scared and it's OK whatever the results are we'll deal with it."
Now, I know that people have a hard time talking about Cancer. Especially my closest family and friends who are obviously emotionally involved and invested. I know there is a healthy level of denial that gets many of them through their day thinking "Jen is now fine, it's over, the Cancer is gone." I can respect that this is what they do to protect themself from uncomfortable feelings and thoughts. To protect themselves for the idea that it may not be over.
But that doesn't work for me. Not when every three months I go through these tests that are just agonizing. I keep thinking as more times goes by and I get through more exams, it will get easier, and less stressful. But thus far, it hasn't. In fact, now it feels like my stress level is at an all time high.
I wish someone would just hear me, and listen to me. That's it. I am really not looking for answers from them. Just an ear.
Posted at 03:57 pm by JennySue
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Louise
March 1, 2005 11:07 AM PST
I don't even tell anyone I'm scared anymore. A few times I have, and I've then had the conversation about what the appropriate response is. And no, it's not "everything will be okay". It's funny, when people who find out I've had cancer respond by looking worried and asking "But you're okay now? They got it all? You'll be alright?" I am oddly touched. They are kind of inappropriate questions, but they indicate concern and fear that my friends are often over.
I don't know when the stress gets better. I've moved into my 6 month visits, and I still get stressed every 3 months. In fact, I got the most stressed when I should have been going in for my 3-month check up but didn't, simply because, well, I didn't have to go for another 3 months. It's really scary. I agree with you on that.
So go ahead and be scared. You can relax when the test results are back. |
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